12/02/2024
Just when I was going to start a fresh new death spiral, I got the message that I start work
on Wednesday. Crisis averted! Now I'm gainfully employed again! Great! Heh... start the new Death Spiral Protocol now?
Never happy; guess heaven knows I'm miserable now...
11/06/2024
☻...they reelected the orange white christo-fascist. this country hates women that much huh. it's no comfort to me but I'm glad I am out of
grade school because the 10 commandments and book bannings are going to start happening. last trump
win i had the comfort of being a lush. now sober all I can do is face reality...☻
11/03/2024
It's been tough. Dear god! I see my prvious post and wonder if I'll ever learn?? I dont think so!
I'm like a rat in a dumpster, a skunk in a hole, a filthy thing that must be shooed away and forgotten.
I'm blue again! Just in time for the holidays! But I keep going on, like a 🙀 kitty and it's tail! Ouroboros? When will I get Myroboros??
But I jest. Not all is bad..... I still have me and a chunk of change waiting for me... maybe... But I have been thinking that no
lawsuit big bucks can help me. Save me? Even with therapy, what was done to me is done. TF do I do now?
I've been having so many nightmares, waking ones too!, every fuck night. Jeez. I'm so broken! No one deserves to lay their eyes on me.
Ugh....
06/17/2024
Well, what the hell can I say after such a long absence? I've been so good at being good I forgot who tf it is I am supposed to be! Somewhere I lost the plot and myself.
What's happening with me? Right now it's hot as shit, and I am going to a nearby interview. My baby culminated middle school; the girl is a freakin' genius.
I have distanced myself from a lot of the cannibalizing ghosts that obsess me, and it's working! I'm much more stable. I have my eyes on the prize.
What's bugging me right now? as Christopher "Chrissy" "Tennessee" Moltisanti once said... "I don't know, Tony. It's like just the fuckin' regularness of life is too fuckin' hard for me or something."
well. It's summer, and it's going to be a good one! ttyl
12/24/2023
🎅 christmas freakin' eve. well my life was good then bad. i finally had the best job but my
tendency to commit monetary suicide and severe anxiety struck aagain. but enough of that. i went to a christmas party and was able to "be the friend/therapist" to ppl again. why is it i can solve others shit but am a helpless babe to myself? here's hoping i get a job before i get evicted. merry 🎄 xmas ya filthy animals!
11/23/2023
i have added some stuff to lists sec. of cositas. ofc i am a very slow writer, im a capricorn! cut me some slack!
other than that i will be working on my pages offline until they are complete. i expect to fully update the lists & the
postcards page as i have two entries to make. ofc since they will always be updated, they will never be finished.
on a personal note I AM LOSING IT. the wheels of capitalism and industry run over my already flattened head.
every day i think of suicide but i shy away. who am i, so ungrateful, to return a life? i do not wish to live but will do so
for others. MAYBE maybe i will hold out, for me... for i have suffered since birth and i feel i deserve some happy before i go. idk?
is wanting happiness so selfish? also spent the day reading various french blogs about crevel. also translated them to spanish so it is easier for me to read. im happy my french is getting better but spanish is easier for me. anyways! will start maybe putting moods and
songs im curently playing. --->the moves slow by badbadnotgood<----
11/16/2023
so much has happened! where to begin!
i started a new job for the 834839th time. i changed frm .com to .net
(it just seemed cooler)
i got a mailbox so i can start pen palling around.
i am getting off a very long depression spiral.
im trying to take care of myself etc.
in febuary i will be homless unless i save every penny
from my new job. even then i'll prob luve in a hotel for a while.
i found a long stay one by the kiddos school.
it'll be a bitch to go to work but i HAVE to do it.
the abusive living situation i have allowed is no longer sustainable
i either leave or die. im streaming but not very good at it but it's fun.
i finally posted some of my art online, epic win for my anxiety.
there's a lot more but it's getting long.
gonna finish and update links and pages on here and hopefully i can realize my vision
no one but me cares for. peave love & shit.
I decided to start adding dates on these updates, maybe next time idk. im working on my comic and content for the zine but i am so fucking depressed atm. it's slow coming. this is more like small journal entries mixed with prose at this point...
Today I will forget you. Tomorrow, at about the same time, you will be forgotten. Already I am advancing, masked, already there’s regret.
You gave me a reality check just now and I returned the favor. I needed your brand of evil to help give me self awareness. Thank you, your only good deed.
in the perfect world we would meet and break bread, we wouldn’t have stories, memories, we wouldn’t need to heal. you wouldn’t have to look for me because I’d already be there. But it’s not like that and you don’t like me and I don’t like you. We love each other and I’ll probably never see you again. If we were allowed to be human I’d mourn what once was but it’s not the case. I don’t mourn for what could’ve been either. I’m over it.
i reread your poems so i can quote them by heart and inject them in all my conversations, a secret only my heart knows
My life is spiraling out of control. I've alienated myself from everyone. But surely I wanted this? I'm such an unstable monster. What good do I do alive? I want to sit in the sun, eat cheese and drink Shirley Temples, read and draw. I want to finish school. I was not meant for this life. To work. To rot under the California sun. Save me! Oh death! Save me!
added some pages and shit lol