02/19/25
2117 hours... Wednesday night... the Kit Kat wrappers & X-Files on the boob tube should alert you to how dire my life is right now. Heaving myself to go Downtown tomorrow for opportunity. I have to, or I perish. The good news is that my tax return is on its way, so I won't starve to death, LOL, just yet. Bills will get paid, animals fed, etc. This weekend is the concert, and by jolly fuck, I am nervous af. I do not do well in large crowds. My mental health and current compulsive thoughts are playing keep away with my life. Oh DTLA! Surely you will hear me out? Surely you will press your palm-like hands on my feverish forehead as a cool compress! Surely you will nurse me to sanity? 2025 really has been one of the worst years, mangled hands, almost dying, job loss, overall mental health, and a decline in my spirit. There are people around me who love me, but I cannot love myself. I can't keep living for others; something has broken, and I am afraid I cannot fix it anymore. What to do? I wish I had a me in my life to crack me into shape.... Ugh, please let me find myself, my passion & my drive again. I really will die if I don't.
02/04/2025
WHAT THE FUCK??? I am actually going to see Taemin??? I first saw a hint of SHINee back in their debut days (on myspace bulletin boards lolz) and then I became a full shawol years later. They are thee ults of ults and Taemin, my ult bias.
I am actually gonna go see him?? I am a bit worried for several reasons. 1. The tickets were cheap, 20 usd???, so that means they aren't selling well. 2. I hate myself and feel so monstrous and ugly to be near Taemin. So it looks like I am going to starve myself to feel worthy. 3. I will be in public. PERIOD. My fear out leaving my house and intense self hatred are making it hard for me. I am supposed to meet some shawols for a fan project involving BPM but... idk... O. is coming with me as well and I don't want to burden them with my little fanboying things... Oh Taemin. Even if things have been hard I still love you and will see you. Even if it kills me! Tmro I have a date with destiny. Let's hope I am not a coward and get my shit together... who knows with me anymore. Panchis, I hardly know you anymore!!!
01/24/25
SO much has happened yet again! Turd in office, dangerous infection from feral animal bite, LA being left to burn down, my own shit, crying over a pairing when I don't even go there, feeling lost, found,
Los Angeles, LA, Lost Angeles, Lost Angels.... Here I am in my sick bed, one hand not working, not working. Listen, keyword is not working. This is not working and I don't see it being fixed. I can't fix it this time. What the fuck can I do? I can't let the light, the beautiful hazy Los Angeles light!!, go out of my soul... yet...
01/09/2025
My heart goes out to all of Los Angeles today. My love, my home, my sancuary, my people. I love you and am praying double hard today.
We will rebuild and heal from this. Fuck Karen Bass, fuck the rich, BURN THE RICH!
12/29/24
probably last message of the year?? was sick all through the holidays, birthday started off with a heartfelt crying
yap fest where I poured my heart out like a dummy. I realized I am a failure. More determined to regain my self respect, I promise every spirit and everyone and anything with warmth left on Earth that I will not be this ugly thing anymore. I will be worthy of being alive. I will lean on stoics, the power of now, music and beautiful muses. I need to think less of myself to care for myself, if that makes sense. New Years resolutions are trash but so am I??? I resolve to stop, keep going, lose the weight, kill myself and be born again as myself, wear the mask, smoke more, eat less, leave more, sleep more, be alive etc. May Santa Muerte hear my cries and pierce my heart with her light. Please help me!
12/02/2024
Just when I was going to start a fresh new death spiral, I got the message that I start work
on Wednesday. Crisis averted! Now I'm gainfully employed again! Great! Heh... start the new Death Spiral Protocol now?
Never happy; guess heaven knows I'm miserable now...
11/06/2024
☻...they reelected the orange white christo-fascist. this country hates women that much huh. it's no comfort to me but I'm glad I am out of
grade school because the 10 commandments and book bannings are going to start happening. last trump
win i had the comfort of being a lush. now sober all I can do is face reality...☻
11/03/2024
It's been tough. Dear god! I see my prvious post and wonder if I'll ever learn?? I dont think so!
I'm like a rat in a dumpster, a skunk in a hole, a filthy thing that must be shooed away and forgotten.
I'm blue again! Just in time for the holidays! But I keep going on, like a 🙀 kitty and it's tail! Ouroboros? When will I get Myroboros??
But I jest. Not all is bad..... I still have me and a chunk of change waiting for me... maybe... But I have been thinking that no
lawsuit big bucks can help me. Save me? Even with therapy, what was done to me is done. TF do I do now?
I've been having so many nightmares, waking ones too!, every fuck night. Jeez. I'm so broken! No one deserves to lay their eyes on me.
Ugh....
06/17/2024
Well, what the hell can I say after such a long absence? I've been so good at being good I forgot who tf it is I am supposed to be! Somewhere I lost the plot and myself.
What's happening with me? Right now it's hot as shit, and I am going to a nearby interview. My baby culminated middle school; the girl is a freakin' genius.
I have distanced myself from a lot of the cannibalizing ghosts that obsess me, and it's working! I'm much more stable. I have my eyes on the prize.
What's bugging me right now? as Christopher "Chrissy" "Tennessee" Moltisanti once said... "I don't know, Tony. It's like just the fuckin' regularness of life is too fuckin' hard for me or something."
well. It's summer, and it's going to be a good one! ttyl
12/24/2023
🎅 christmas freakin' eve. well my life was good then bad. i finally had the best job but my
tendency to commit monetary suicide and severe anxiety struck aagain. but enough of that. i went to a christmas party and was able to "be the friend/therapist" to ppl again. why is it i can solve others shit but am a helpless babe to myself? here's hoping i get a job before i get evicted. merry 🎄 xmas ya filthy animals!
11/23/2023
i have added some stuff to lists sec. of cositas. ofc i am a very slow writer, im a capricorn! cut me some slack!
other than that i will be working on my pages offline until they are complete. i expect to fully update the lists & the
postcards page as i have two entries to make. ofc since they will always be updated, they will never be finished.
on a personal note I AM LOSING IT. the wheels of capitalism and industry run over my already flattened head.
every day i think of suicide but i shy away. who am i, so ungrateful, to return a life? i do not wish to live but will do so
for others. MAYBE maybe i will hold out, for me... for i have suffered since birth and i feel i deserve some happy before i go. idk?
is wanting happiness so selfish? also spent the day reading various french blogs about crevel. also translated them to spanish so it is easier for me to read. im happy my french is getting better but spanish is easier for me. anyways! will start maybe putting moods and
songs im curently playing. --->the moves slow by badbadnotgood<----
11/16/2023
so much has happened! where to begin!
i started a new job for the 834839th time. i changed frm .com to .net
(it just seemed cooler)
i got a mailbox so i can start pen palling around.
i am getting off a very long depression spiral.
im trying to take care of myself etc.
in febuary i will be homless unless i save every penny
from my new job. even then i'll prob luve in a hotel for a while.
i found a long stay one by the kiddos school.
it'll be a bitch to go to work but i HAVE to do it.
the abusive living situation i have allowed is no longer sustainable
i either leave or die. im streaming but not very good at it but it's fun.
i finally posted some of my art online, epic win for my anxiety.
there's a lot more but it's getting long.
gonna finish and update links and pages on here and hopefully i can realize my vision
no one but me cares for. peave love & shit.
I decided to start adding dates on these updates, maybe next time idk. im working on my comic and content for the zine but i am so fucking depressed atm. it's slow coming. this is more like small journal entries mixed with prose at this point...
Today I will forget you. Tomorrow, at about the same time, you will be forgotten. Already I am advancing, masked, already there’s regret.
You gave me a reality check just now and I returned the favor. I needed your brand of evil to help give me self awareness. Thank you, your only good deed.
in the perfect world we would meet and break bread, we wouldn’t have stories, memories, we wouldn’t need to heal. you wouldn’t have to look for me because I’d already be there. But it’s not like that and you don’t like me and I don’t like you. We love each other and I’ll probably never see you again. If we were allowed to be human I’d mourn what once was but it’s not the case. I don’t mourn for what could’ve been either. I’m over it.
i reread your poems so i can quote them by heart and inject them in all my conversations, a secret only my heart knows
My life is spiraling out of control. I've alienated myself from everyone. But surely I wanted this? I'm such an unstable monster. What good do I do alive? I want to sit in the sun, eat cheese and drink Shirley Temples, read and draw. I want to finish school. I was not meant for this life. To work. To rot under the California sun. Save me! Oh death! Save me!
added some pages and shit lol